Its time... Maybe we should start again!!

Hey folks... I'm goin to continue the tale of my Journey called life soon...

I want to say....

I want to say I'm sorry for many reasons left unsaid,
I want to say I miss you and the life that we once led..
I want to be forgiven and forgive myself as well,
I want to hold my head up high and no longer sit and dwell..
How do you learn to love yourself after perfecting self-hate?
I want to shout ' I miss you so' yet knowing I'm too late,
So much time has already passed but one thing remains..
The thought of you brings warmth to me and that will never change...
We all make mistakes in life, Lord knows I've made a few,
Please know that doesn't change the fact I truly cared for you...
The love we shared may have been brief, and now it's just our past,
But the impact that you have left on me will forever last...
No matter where we go from here, no matter where we've been,
What I miss most of all, is not my lover, it's my best friend...

I'm trying...

I'm trying hard to make things better. Somewhere in my heart I know nothing can be well now, I knew it very well about the future in the very beginning. I know who I am, What I deserve and what I don't deserve. Still I tried to get what I won't be able to desrve in my life inspite of all the hardships in achieving it I went careless and Lost it forever, yes forever and thats a bitter truth, like shit, I can't swallow all this situation.
I'm going to give up, in future I think so, because inside I have a feeling that tells me... Ashu, Back off... You won't make it better, you have to move alone.
I'm confused... I need to feel numb and number... till I feel it no more... regret, guilt...
Its true.. I too feel, I shouldn't have done that wrong to her six years back.. She deserved more, she always did..
I'm responsible for all this shit in which I am in today. I'm selfish, very selfish... I think.. I hate myself for this... will do so till the end...

Happy Independence day...

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY....

I'm proud to be Indian. I'll always be. It's true that we are in trouble due to the ground reality of corruption but still.. Its not the fault of our motherland... its because of some greedy people..
Gandhiji once said, "The earth has enough for everyone's need but very less for one man's greed"
Being the proud citizen of India, I vow to be a good citizen till my last breath.
What about you?

I Miss you

I want to hold your hand and walk a mile,

don't want to miss you, even for a while,

My life is so beautiful,

Coz dear you are my Life.

Hug me so that my worries could die,

my tears to dry

and my lonliness to fly,

I've been so selfish in the recent past,

however my love for would never last,

You felt ignored and that I don't care,

inspite being with u, I was not there,

but baby, I looked out the taxi to know the route,

in order to avoid any problems ahead.

Maybe this is the way I care.

I'm getting sentimental over you,

even if I try I cannot move,

So I decided to put things back,

to tell you its not you but its me who lacked.

I miss you every moment of the day,

I keep myself awake to listen to you,

I keep myself empty just for you to fill,

I keep myself alive just to see you.

fear of furture is worse than the pain of the past,

still I bother least, coz I know you are there.

even seconds are long to miss you,

I can't tell you what it really is,
I can only tell you what it feels like,
And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe,
I can't breathe but I still fight till I can fight,
I've a ray of hope,

In this dark its enough to bring back light.

I just want to hold your hand and walk a mile,

don't want to miss you, even for a while....

Love you... forever...

When I came to Delhi.. May 2006

Hey guys.. Wassup?


Well, by now I’ve completed Class 12th and looking towards a future where I’ll get a good job and later my girlfriend as my life partner. When I proposed her (after class 10th) I told her, that we’ll be marrying 7 years from now. The totally calculated future in life. As per our plan, 2years for 11th and 12th, 3 years for graduation, 2 years for MBA, and then Job later in a year marriage. Kiddish.. Totally.. Maybe that’s love..

After 12th I filled up the form for Bachelor’s in Commerce (B.Com) in Allahabad University. Besides that I enrolled myself in Cost Accountancy (ICWA). In May 2006, I met Anil Kumar Singh, he has been a year senior to me since school days. Her mother was my Mom’s colleague in SRN Hospital. Though mom warned me indirectly to not be influenced by Anil (since she knew the kind of attitude his family has), I was driven away by my thoughts to become a big personality. I had to marry her and for that I have to be something Big. I pleaded mom to let me go, and told my girlfriend that I’m going to Delhi for a bright future, a future where we’ll be living a good life...

I left Allahabad by Prayagraj Express that had a schedule departure at 9.30pm on 29th May 2006. Mom came to the station, she was in tears and worried about me a lot. That night I felt, that my presence did matters to my family, and I’ve been thinking they don’t worry about me. I held back my tears and set to the new journey.. On the last meeting to my girlfriend, she said, ”Ashu, Door jaakar badal to nai jaoge na??” I said, “No, Never” but the destiny is always uncertain about what it’ll bring forth in life.

My first day in Delhi, I do had a cellphone but no sim card in order to make a call. I borrowed Anil bhaiya’s phone to call mom in the morning. Mama came to station to pick me up. With him I went to his place in Ladoo Sarai, Opposite Mehrauli. It was a boring stay there since he went for his work after we reached hi place. In the evening he lended me his ID card to buy a sim-card for myself. But it was late and I could not make a call to my girlfriend to inform her about my well being in Delhi. So no call on the very first day I stepped in Delhi.

The next day I asked Mama to tell me the bus by which I can go to Sagarpur where Anil bhai used to stay. In the afternoon I boarded the bus and in around 2 hours I was at the Sagarpur stand. I waited at the bus stop for around an hour or two. They came and we went towards his place which was at the walking distance from the bus stand. In the evening, Anil showed me the places I needed to know like, Dhaba (to have food), Bus Stand, Medical store etc. Had dinner in one of the Dhabas, where I first time came across tandoori roti served inspite of tawa roti and sabzi with a gravy like salt water with pepper. I missed the home cooked food but I missed her the most.. Missed her a lot but today also it was late to call her.

Third day, I had to leave early at 8am to south campus in order to buy ICR Forms to apply in University of Delhi. I was instructed by Anil bhai to board a bus named Outer Mudrika from the sagarpur stand and get down at Moti bagh bus stop near South Campus of University of Delhi. I reached there in an hour and asked people the way ahead to the south campus office where I could get the ICR forms. Walked around a kilometre then found the Place where I bought the form. While walking my way back from the south campus towards the bus stand of Moti bagh I noticed a PCO, the time was good to call, around 1pm. I went up the PCO and made a call to my girlfriend. I was dying to hear her voice. She was too angry over me for not have called her since last 2 days, I had too little money for a long call so I told her that I’m good and gave her my number which got activated that morning itself. I put the receiver back after 2 or 3 minutes and boarded the bus to return back with a heavy heart. She said, “Jaate he badal gaye na Ashu!” She didn’t knew the reason and that day was the beginning for the series of misunderstandings between us. The distance has started playing its game on our relationship....

Sumtimes change is not good!!

By my mistake, I instilled a drastic change in her and my self... she turned out to be more practicle which is good for her but I'm turning more impracticle day by day which making me helpless but still fighting back...

My life has been like climbing a cliff.. On top I always saw my aim.. what I always dreamt of.. I started my climb and the only drawback was that the path behind me faded as I climbed up and up. I was near the cliff... Now the hardest part was there... the cliff was steep ahead.. I rested for a while.. I saw a new path.. luring as it seemed to be.. I changed my route.. I got lost.. I realised soon but the path behind me has faded as ever so there was no turning back... I realised the mistake I did and left the path again to head for the cliff because it was the aim at the cliff that matters most rather than the path we come across...
I took the route which would take me to my destiny rather than any fancy.. but now the time was for payback.. I lost everything on the new fancy path that I took..
I no more have any gears or supports with me.. I have my Hands(Karmas) and a Hope that I will get my aim when I reach the Top of the cliff!!
I changed twice... Once I left the good way.. and went on to the fancy way.. but realised the mistake and changed again my way and got to the new route. The first change was indeed wrong and the second I don't know because the new route is quite slippery... everytime I'm climbing 2feet m slipping back 1feet or more, moreover due to bad weather I can't clearly see my aim on the top.. which instills a sense of fear in my spine everytime I look up and that is breaking my hope....
still I've promised myself that I'll never say never... I'll keep on going, there maybe two consequences but only one is favourable... I may reach to the top and get my aim.. or I may reach the top and realise that all was vain and this world does not deserves any love... and then I think I'll jump off the cliff!!

I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel-like, how I miss you. And how I love you despite been undeserving. And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forver stay in my heart-locked inside. Sometimes I wonder IF there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know...
you see I too have a very BIG if in my life...

Class12th

Sorry for the delay in reaching Class 12th, as I was back home to amend my mistake but lost again, Well its okay, it happens. Its not necessary that our efforts succed everytime but one should never Quit. I've promised myself to never say never.

Well guys, I told you the dramatic scenario of Class 11th. How my love life flourished and about my studies which was dwindling as ever.
In class 12th I joined YCC i.e Yogesh Commerce Classes. Mr. Yogesh Arora one of the finest teacher of Accounts and Economics owned the institute. He worked hard to teach us and made us work hard to. I would say he inspired us alot, I saw an ideal person in him. The coaching started, it was the first time I had a class which was Co-educated. The gender ratio defeated the truth of India that girls are lesser than boys. There were around 15 girls and 5 boys.
On the very first day I came into limelight due to my extraordinary scores in Accountancy. But the same day, when we had surprise test, I ranked 2nd last in the test. This however raised a question on my competency to have scored 90 in Accountancy in 11th Class.
Later after the First term Exams in School I got the First Word of Appreciation from Mrs. Santani (our Eco Teacher). She said, "The only boy who have improved his performance in Economics from Class 11th to 12th is Ashutosh." I was a star in Economics then. Courtesy Yogesh Sir. He taught Eco in such a manner that I fell in love with Eco (specially Micro economics).
Rest year went Good. Bunking classes was still same courtesy NCC. I was promoted to Rank of Corporal in NCC.
Studies went quite well as my love life.
This year I asked her that if I can rest my head on her shoulder. She smiled and said yes!
Later I got my coupons redeemed.. the first hug....  I wish if I could end up my life in her arms... I feel so peacefull...
Then came the time of First Kiss. We both were too shy, however it was blissfull.
Exams came nearer. Yogesh Sir had good expectations with me but unfortunately, on 19th of March, I met with and accident. I had one paper left and that was of Accountancy. I had deep bruises in both my palms but still went up and gave the paper. I scored good in Eco, fair in Accounts and Good in English too. English went good because of HER notes. She worked har to make notes for me, all these grammer and tenses, she toiled harder than me for my English preparations. Who is such a lucky chap to get such a helpful girlfriend.

Class 12th ended.

Next is the Change I faced. I faced the World!
Keep reading.
Take care... Weather is good out there..
Live Real!!

Moving up from behind... Class 11th

In year 2004, I completed high school plus I got an admirable girlfriend, which was more than I actualy deserved.

We (I and school friends) were happy since we entered the college section of our school. We felt more mature within. Amongst us in my group only I had a girlfriend, rest kept on making attempts which initially went in vain. Class 11th gave us happiness plus shocks too.. I consecutively failed in Mathematics in 1st and 2nd Term plus I also failed in Accountancy in 2nd term.

When we passed high school, none of us was planning to have Mathematics as subject in class 12th. BUT Anshul did wanted to take up mathematics in Internediate, moved by his logics of future needs of the subjects and his confidence to win over it we also eected for it. WE here includes Me, Anshul & Ankur. Rest Yaeser remained in Hindi section... wise choice on his part.

Though I scored 61 in Accountancy (It was my favourite subject) and somehow managed to pass in others except mathematics. Due to legitimate NCC parades and bunks in the name of NCC periods, I failed in Accountancy also in Second term.

The scene in Class 11th final exam was really unforgettable. Since all of us were fail in 2 subjects (Maths and Accounts) we almost decided to switch over to Bishop George School if we failed in class 11th. Anshul went crazy in maths paper... We sat in the Hall, looked at each other with eyes full of pity. Anshul was busy filling up form for the Bishop George school later. But the result were unexpected. We all passed in maths in third term and I was able to achieve 90 in Accountancy. Anyhow I managed to pass with good marks, though I was not good at economics (was kicked out many a times by our Eco teacher) and since Dad promised to gift me a PC if I passed in 11th, I got one in the next month...

My love life was going on well, We talked a lot on phone so ended up being phoneless since our parents locked the Telephone with secret code... The bill amount was over 3000rs for two months on my side, on her side it was even more..

Loosing out, trying best..

Hi friends... don't bother about time, since nowadays I rarely sleep in night, I'm turning nocturnal with each passing day!!

I can't keep my mind shut so as to have a sleep so I thought why not to utilise the time.

As yet I've told you about my life stage where I proposed and got acceptence by the girl with whom I fell in love. My first Love, as everyone does I also cherish her memories. While going through The TOI, one can find various research works done for better love life, sexlife, cosmo life etc and so forth. One fine day, I came across a research which told that only 5% of the lovers marry their first love, rest 95% spent their lives in search of their first love in their life partners. I told this to my Love, and proudly said, "Honeybee (thats what I called her when she called me Honey) We will be among those 5% of lovers."

Today where I stand, surrounded by the circumstances which only gets worsen day by day as if destined, I find myself to be strong contendor to those among 95% lovers... Today, I lost again.. I only had a HOPE left with me, which now I've started loosing..

Today I found one of the greatest truth on the earth.. There is NO forgiveness in here.. plus it gets selfish with every year you add on to your life...

These truth somewhat shaked me from inside..

Today she said, "A person who commits a mistake is more likely to commit it again, since one can never change."

Maybe that's the truth.. or say universal truth..!!

Six years back and Now!!

Hi there,

Six years back, today was monday, today was 28th of June but the year was 2004. That year I completed my High School. Results were out. I was happy, since vacations were on.. well the biggest reason for my happiness was the long wait which once seemed to be eternal to me was goin to end.

Yes, on this very day I proposed my Girl. It took me more than 1 hour on the phone. Yes, you read it right. I proposed her on phone. We were not allowed to meet. Before proposing her, I was beating around the bushes, making stories over and over again but I did it. She was shocked, maybe every girl is astonished when she is been proposed. Or maybe because I proposed her. I was a jackass that time, one could expect me to fight, abuse or say quarrel over petty issues but none expected love. I was kinda brat.

She was not able to decide whether to agree or to disagree. She asked for time. I said OK, reply me tommorrow. And I waited. The wait was eternal. Minutes did passed as years go by.

She accepted me. The next day, 29/06/2004 tuesday, the happiest day of my life.

In our six years of relationship, we saw, felt, shared everything together. Whether its happiness or excitement or sadness or tension. Everything!

We were successfully going to complete our sixth year. But something real bad happened, or saying more appropriatly, I was the disaster who ruined everything.

Its going to be a month after 10 days. We broke up on 8th june 2010 as I told you earlier post.

In India, Life expectency is around 65 years, that means we spent around 10% of our lives with each other. It doesn't matters that you've spent 10 years or 6 years, once you make a blunder its over. You can only repent for the rest of the life. You are not even given an opportunity to make things a bit better than it would be repenting for whole life.

I had one last wish with me, for which I tried a lot, cried a lot, I just wanted to give her a smile back on her face. I know, I'm for the first time in my life so much optimistic that I can make her smile again but now I don't even have a lifeline to use. They say, trust is easy to gain, easier to break but almost impossible to regain. This time, I didn't even needed trust, I could have done it without it. But you know, as you die once, there is no come back.

If I could just make her smile once, I would find solace within myself. I always found solace within her but now I've lost it. Its even getting heavier to breathe, day by day, my legs seems to weaken more than each yesterday. I can't carry this burden for long.

I don't know which way to go, whom to ask, I'm just confining myself day by day. Oneday, someday, the time will come where all this will end and I'll find solace. I need to sleep, I wish I could put my head in her lap again and regain that comfort, I wish she could see me and hold me close to her, I wish to cry my heart out, ask for forgiveness and ask for a chance to make thing a bit better. But there is one thing wrong when you are strong outside. Nobody care to ask that if you are in pain.

I don't know how long I can continue like this. I'm dead inside, I lost the spark since I lost her!

Missing what I messed up!

Hey friends...

Today I hope you would have witnessed little shower by the rain God.. it happened in Delhi.. don't know people from other places witnessed heavy rain or not even a shower....

I was kinda cautious towards rain... Since I'm vulnarable to cold.. and getting wet in rain is something I have to avoid.

Sometimes I did got drenched... later I used to get good scolding by her.. I smiled whenever she did so... It feels good when somebody takes care of you.. so much..

She always warned me to not to be careless for myself.. She handed over me towel whenever saw me completely wet.. sometimes hurriedly dried up my hairs herself while I just sat lazily, enjoying the way she cared.. The way she came up with something healthy to eat whenever we met... and with a warning to not to eat fast food.. even though she herself is a big fan of mouthwatering paani poori....

She did everything that she can.. for our relationship.. I did knew.. but was casual towards it.. Later I started

taking things for granted.. little bit though... She handled every situation with panic first but with patience later...

I used to ask her .. "Have you ever thought what you get in return to all this you do?" She always ignored this

question.. always.. saying.. I got everything...

Few days back... She asked me.. "What did I gave her in return to all what she did for us?" I had no answer... since there was nothing I gave her...

Today, when the climate changed a bit... with dusty wind all over.. I went to the roof of my new PG..

Wind was blowing so fast that it pushed me sometimes.. later with wind at same speed, tiny droplets of rain came.. They literally hit everywhere they touched me..I stood there... silently.. waiting.. waiting...

I Was waiting for her to scold me.. waiting for her to say, "Ashuuu... kya kar rahe ho!!!....."

Then again I realised what i am... and where I am.. due to my own deed..!!

Still I stood there.. waiting... this time waiting it to rain heavily.. stood like that for half an hour.. but the

rain faded away..!!

Even Rain God was withdrawing His hands... I pleaded but nothing happened.. it just faded away... It was growing cold.. I was left a bit wet.. with cool breeze all over... I shivered for a while... but then.. the temprature started to ascend..

I heard about a saying "Subah ka bhoola agar shaam ko wapas a jaye to use bhoola nai kehte!!"

I found another way to interpret it in my case....."Use bhatka hua kehte hain...!!!!"

Finally, I caught cold!! :)

Regreting ...... Infidelity

Hi...


I feel this blog is my place.. and I can scribble all what I want... So here it goes..

Today... 08-06-2010... almost after 6yrs of our relationship.... We broke up...
Reason... like in most of breakups... betrayel... I cheated on her... I'm the reason...
Hereby... all of you must be knowing that how trustworthy I am...
It was a mistake but I commit mistakes once never again.... thats my nature...
I regret loosing her... I really do.. Bad thing is .. I can't ask for forgiveness... even I can't forgive myself..
Since I ruined not only her Six years of life... but her whole life.... Now she won't trust anyone... maybe won't love anyone... How will I face the mirror now... thats another question.. I can't amend what I ruined.. Thats a truth...
I pray Almighty to help her and punish me...
I'm done...now..
I'm such a ruthless creature... plus worthless too....
Here's a lesson for the lovebirds reading this... Don't betray... if u do.. then have the guts to ignore urself..

My love story..... is past... but I'll miss her.. always... n I know she'll too...
Blog doesn't ends buddy... I still have to tell u the stories till yet...
I'm sharing the bad side of myself with you guys... I know the consequences... but I need to... I feel everyone should know... the goodie goodie Ashutosh....

Just be as u are... Live real!!
Don't ask anything to me about this... Thanks...

LOVE ...... FRIENDS..... LOVE...part III

A very hot welcome to my friends.... Hot because the climate makes everything hot.... makes me HOT though.... lolss

Last portion of love...friends...love.. ended up at Dec 2003, it was the time when I was planning for the new year celebration with her which was not at all possible. I came down to giving her a gift on the New year. What should be the gift to impress her was a great riddle for me.
I decided that I'll meet her at the roof top of her apartment.... such a foolish idea it was... I now realise... Well the plan was to meet her and give her the audio cassette full of songs that would make her feel my love for her accompanied by a new year card...

The time came... I met her at her apartment's rooftop.. gave her the gift and greeted Happy New Year...  shyly though.... I was shy at that time... he he he...
Our exams were going to start... and I had to qualify an extra paper of lovelogy....
Well the exams commenced in 2nd week of January 2004... This time exams were something new... it was known as prelims exams... because the next would be boards....
Only the name Preliminary Examinations was enough to instill shivering down the spine of the students because we were told... those who don't qualify this one won't be allowed to sit for the board examinations...
The exams started... it was supposed to be as boring as ever for me.... but this time... I felt that I need to study ... so as to score a respectable position in class... that will make me more presentable infront of her... :P
I used to discuss our question papers and exchange them after the exams with her... guess the venue where we did this.... at her apartments rooftop....
We had six papers.... we discussed 4 papers... ... rest 2 we were not able to discuss... because of a guard... who informed her father about our meetings... on the rooftops..... that stupid guard would have added spice to it.... that's why her father was annoyed too much... 
I got scolding from him... He also had words with my parents on this issue...
From now onwards I was forbidden to not only to meet her... but also to contact her.... Her father got a caller ID landline now... tough times sets in.... the Day was 1st February..2004...
Mera pyaar hua kurbaan....
Again the days of tears and lonliness set in....
I was not able to figure out why am I always deprived of the happiness...!!
13 days were left for Valentines Day... But what to do?

I had no plans to propose her before her Dad scolded me.... but now... I desperately wanted to wish her on Valentines day.. just because... the lonliness was driving me more crazy... I now missed her more than before... may be my love for her was growing... deep inside...

But the restriction were not so easy to breach.... There was no other option to contact her...
I have 13 days...  and I have to wish her... This thought always occupied my mind .......because my Friends said... if she wishes me back ... that means she has feelings for me too.... I wanted to know that did she also missed me.... or not....
Have to make a plan.... a plan which can give me 2 mins... only 2 mins... to hear her voice....
....
Will I be able to hear her voice without letting her parents know......???

hey... Hi friends...
Today my 2nd sem papers got over and that clearly means I'm back again to scribble....
But unfortunately.... my middle finger is swollen up so I can't properly type.... It's paining so much that I would prefer chopping it of rather let it be like this....
Secondly, I'm going back to my home... my place.. where I actually belong... yes... Just for 7 days... but that would be reviving enough I hope....

Will soon be back my friends..!! Hope u'll be patient reader as u'v been till yet!!

Chillax its too hot outside... Live real!!

On break!!

Uffff..... its too HOT yaar.... summers in Delhi.... it isn't the first time I'm witnessing summers in Delhi, this is the 4th time... but it seems to be more hotter every year...

well since I moved on to a single room in the hostel... its peacefully hot... yes... since its a single room there is peace... and since its on first floor its hotter than last room... moreover.... Lord Sun bestows his rays directly over one of the walls....

But I would say... Its B E A Utiful..... yup... its not so uncomfortable...

Its Good!!

Well one more things ... Since I just came over the students dilemma known as exams though they were internals.... and moving forward to the external exams... I won't be able to scribble...

And I believe you all will keep patience.... and lemme come back in form... n tell you some more about Living the Journey called life............

Thank you...

LOVE... FRIENDS... LOVE.. continues...

Heya guys...to day is Sunday.. and I'm on my bed lying down with a crepe bandage fastened in my heel...
ya.. a bit of bad news... It's Ligament Rapture... sounds horrible to me.. literally ... I mean.. lying down like I don't possess my left foot... aawww!!
So was thinking to utilise my lazy time and suddenly the idea came up.... to share something more with you all guys..
OK!! after that first loving and caring advice & specially the intended touch.. I was supposed to be on the seventh heaven.. I was but only for 5 minutes... Because as soon as She went back inside the house... Sir told us about her leaving the place forever... My heart sank.. suddenly I was on earth, maybe inside earth, from seventh heaven...
Well then what else I could do!! Anyhow the vacations got over.. I was silently trying to absorb the pain... sometimes trying to forget her.. maybe God didn't want me to be with her... sometimes I asked God... Why me? stupid question though... To confess... sometimes I did sobbed while everyone's asleep during night..
Then what.. school reopened... I was in class 10th but maybe not matured enough... don't know why I was not able to get rid of her in my mind.. never thought that it maybe just infatuation.. I loved going to school rather than staying back home... whenever alone her thoughts haunted me... everything about her.. her smile.. her style of interacting... Maybe I didn't deserve her...
With my friends (Anshul and Ankur) I searched for her...
Finally after toiling in sun for 15 long days of summer... I found her.. Maybe it was a blessing of Lord.. because its a mystery.. till yet..
After a couple of days later I found her number too... again courtesy to my friends... who believed in me & my love...
Gradually we became friends... now don't give such a big smile... though I'm myself smiling...
We used to talk over phone (landline because we were not privileged to have cellphones) .. to be true.. we became used to... ... felt something missing the day I cannot hear her voice... probably because I was in love... but did she felt the same...? There lies a BIG question mark.... I loved her... sometimes I felt she also feels the same.. but other way round it can just be a misinterpretation on my part.... days passed... winters set in... again vacations.. new years celebration was ahead.. there was only wish in my heart... I wanted to wish her New Year (2004)..
What does this New Year holds for me and my one-sided love?? I was hopeful... but never hoped that it will turn out to something that we never expected.....
Hold your breath... Will tell you soon...
till then.. good luck...
love you guys...

So.. back again..LOVE...FRIENDS... LOVE.. continues..

Last time I told you about.... HER... leaving for some other place to reside.....And first thing to be done according to the so called great plan was to become a friend of her.. here I was not eligible for her friendship till yet...
So the thing was... how to START.... the mission...(Mind you there was no possibility of "7 din ladki In")

Yes.. I forgot to mention something... the first caring advice (after first electric shock & before first emotional dilemma) I ever got from her..
Get back a bit.. She's still in Jhunsi (preparing to shift but till yet I was unknown) this time the month was May & the day was Saturday Morning 8:15am...
I joined Maths tution classes.. which was just next to HER house (you got it.. it was not by chance that I joined Maths classes in the house next to hers). Our classes were scheduled at 8 am. We (I & Mohit) were on time as vacations were on.. A day before I got an electric shock while fiddling with wire that left me with a tiny cavity in my first finger of right hand..(its still here, I can feel it)
So we were in with our tutor in his Drawing room.. I as always was wishing to have a glimpse of her before going back to my house.. was unable to write but was still present and was quite happy because it was weekend and probability of having a glimpse was good...
I narrated the incident of electric shock to Mohit... who forwarded it to our tutor in more pain expressing way... My god.. He was feeling more pain than me.. Sir saw my finger and asked why I came to study in such a situation... I gave him a wonderful reason, "Sir, I love trigonometry thats why I'm here."
He was impressed... went inside and called his mother and proudly presented me and my dedication for study.. then she went inside and someone else came out with Sir this time...this time it was SHE ( since HER family had family terms with the tutors family & she was inside with our teacher's parents).. Yes at 8 in the morning..
She came to see the studious dude..  Well whatever.. It was good to see her...
For the first time she held my hand.. I wished if I could get such electric shocks everyday...
She advised me to not to fiddle with wires again... & the fact is... till now I'm really afraid of electricity...lolss
Then again as Tails accompanies Heads in a coin...
I received an unwilling shock... That day was the last day I was having her glimpse in Jhunsi.... She was there to bid goodbye to her neighbours...
aaaahhh!!! that was painful.... but maybe that was a plan of The Almighty.. some twists and twirls in my love story....
Well now the life of my love story starts... the quest.. the breakthrough ... the friendship... everything awaits now...

To those whom I've hurt..

Hello guys...
Whats up with you all ??
Hope you all to be fine and in good health with the grace of the almighty...
Well The almighty is a bit upset with me... possibly due to the evil doings of mine... Well Lord.. this is how you made me... or maybe this is how I changed myself into a evil kinda attitude  person... Sometimes I upset myself too with my attitude.. I hurt people.. many a times.. its not that I derive fun out of that.. No! It's because I'm not able to absorb the environment completely.. or my habit of tit for tat not working properly... I'm rude to my collegeues sometimes.. that way I hurt them... and grow more enemies.. but what about those who drive me to this... YES! I'm driven by my aggression which is not at all good.. not for my personal life neither for my professional life.. Trying hard to calm down my senses.. Well its not only me in this damn world who's stressed.. but maybe the way I carry stress is not good..
Basically this post is dedicated to my friends & collegeues... whom I've hurt.. like Rahul Gupta... I should have not said that to him... Well sorry guys... Hope you'll forget what happened and try to forgive me.....
See ya all in class......
Good luck
Pendre Soin (Take Care)...

Some light moments shared in Busy schedule of Endeavour 2010

Trying to give killing looks... lolss

Me with anshuman....

Wanna know about the Deal???

When in love... just keep on loving...

"If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself."

Its true. This is what I felt till yet by looking around me specially my close friends...

We always make couple of unknown mistakes in our love lives... Later we repent over it...

We just keep on wishing, "If I would have done it in other way..." The person who can't love and respect themselves.. can they prove to be good loving and respecting partners..????

(All this real crap applies to all of us who are in love & complain, without gender discrimination...)

At the initial stage.. We do all that things we don't do normally just in order to impress the special one... Then after we are successful and our love-life begins, gradually we forget about doing same extraordinary things... Now we seem to be careless... I don't understand one thing... to carry on a successful love-life do we need to be Extraordinary forever...??? 

In the beginning we follow some quotation like "Love is like a bird, don't hold it hard or it'll die.. just leave it free, if it comes back it's your's or else it was never meant to be your's."

What the F**K!! Who said this... Bring him on and ask him/her did he/she ever do so??

Possessiveness sets in..& it has to set in... no one can avoid it... Some say its bad to be possessive... May I know why is it so? It's totally illogical to be not possessive at all... but yes extreme must be avoided..

It's basic human nature to expect things in return... Everyone does.. and there is no harm in doing so.. till you don't feel hurt when your expectations are not fulfilled... 

Some probable lunatic said, "True love means giving up all Expectations"

It should be like,"True one-sided love means giving up all expectation" because expecting in one-sided love is like been in love with the wall and trying to hug it...lolzzz

Whosoever doesn't expects is practically not in love... If I'm true to my love.. I'll expect her to be true to me...

But if I'm a infidel... then how can I complain when she turns out to be the same or how can I expect her to be faithful to me??? Isn't their anything known as conscience??

Well this is too much of ugly business of love guru which i did...

Well friends its all what I felt... nothing personal... 

N yes.. to my girl.. Thank you for making me feel special...and top of the world.. Without you I would've never ever learned about how to love... like just love... nothing more nothing less... Love ya sweetheart...

Endeavour 2010.. comes to an End...

Good... It went great... We all toiled hard for this..... The fest "ENDEAVOUR 2010"... Was a Success.. Almost 10 colleges participated and more than hundreds of students turned up....
Well got some lessons also...
I'm free from today onwards, IF I get time from studies since our internals are round the corner and this time I want to give serious efforts to them..
So friends keep in touch
and do tell me what should I scribble onwards... ok... Well m looking forward for an opportunity to write something tonight itself... but the mechanism in my brain is not cooperating with eyes as they are quite tired ...
still will write something soon...

Some pics of Home surroundings

front view..from the roof of my house

My shweet doggie... Her name's Jinni or Chiddi

Busy managing Endeavour...

Yup Endeavour is the college fest in which I'm playing one of the crucial role. I'm quite busy in the activities as I'm leading 'Business Plan' committee and at the end of the day I'm too tired to scribble...its today that I got an opportunity to write something...Meanwhile I went to home as you all know.. Visited Agra..met with an accident which lead to realisations...then went to Allahabad and after Six lovely days I'm back with enthusiasm and vigour....not just meeting both ends...instead working quite good and efficiently....the feeling of giving up is gone.... I could say that.. Home is a place not only of strong affections, but of entire unreserve; it is life's undress rehearsal, its backroom, its dressing room...

Had very good time.... will tell u whole story later... someday....oneday...

have a good time... 

pendre soin....

Pleasure of meeting Yaeser....

Yup... today..21st of February 2010.. at around 7.30pm I met Yaeser after a long time period. He hasn't changed much..except growing plumpy a bit.... As soon as I caught hold of his sight there was a sudden flashback.... and the rest of the 3 hours we spent together was like living the flashback.... Yes, flashback of the life I literally lived ... those golden moments of my life.... they all came back to me..!!

It was real nice experience and peace of mind to see one of my old friend ... who's been with me...shared those golden moments with me... Moments we spent together in Boys' High School and Y.C.C. 24x7... 

Thank you Yaeser.. for helping me living that integral part of my life again... Thank alot... 

Back again from a short break...

hello friends... You know these couple of days I was busy filling nonsense in the answer-sheets of my internal exams...so I was not able to scribble anything here... Well this is good with my college....the Exams come soon and go sooner...
So the important thing is..I'm back from the mental trauma which every student goes through when the exams are on...I'm not talking about nerds or the geeks, you know these guys just love to write papers..they get a chance to flaunt their books filled shit-bag which they call as Brains....
Oh ya... the exams went fine.. I wrote good as per me... Lets hope the examiner also has the same mindset as of mine.... If luck remains good.. I'll pass...
I'll be with some past and present experiences very soon...possibly late tonight... Coz tomorrow is Sunday!!

Exams Over....

Here are some light moments I spent with my friends on 20th of February 2010....after our 1st internal examination...

Here it goes...

All's well that ends well.....

Now here I have something good to share with you guys....

I'll be leaving for Agra on 27th morning and from their to Allahabad at night same day... Finally I'll be in my mom's arms after so many turbulences in my life... I'll finally rest in peace for 5 days..atleast... Will be back on 6th March since I have to write a paper on 7th of March...

Its really great... God... thanks alot.... thank you very much.. for again helping me.. 

I'm too glad.. I'm falling short of words to express my feelings right now... so its better to stop...

Good luck friends .... God Bless you...

Nostalgia.....Experiencing it beyond limits...

ya friends...m feeling homesick....really.... I got an opportunity to go home after the end of 1st Semester Exams... it was 5 days stay at home.... I caught cold on 7th Jan and that continued till my holidays ended....Oh God!!.. please..make a path for me....make an easy one because....I have the tougher one myself...and i.e. to leave the classes and miss 24 lectures(6 lectures per day for 4 days) i.e. from 2nd to 5th March... I feel that whatever should be the consequences...I should go...Yaar its too much.... Bas.... Bas... Bas.... Tecnia ab aur nai....Bachche ki jaan loge kya, PG student ke naam par?? Friends yaar proxy laga dena if possible.... lol

Lets see....

From the Past....Love...Friends..Love..

In the last post related to my past....I told you about my past...I reached to class 10th when I finally made a move to talk to her...obviously Pranshu helped me a lot in this case (Thanks buddy).... but as I told you... I got the bad news that she's shifting to some other area in Allahabad itself..... Meanwhile in school I met with some guys like Anshul, Ankur, Puneet etc.. Anshul was the guy who became one of my closest friend... Anshul Khattri...Yes ...He was the man among us ......though he was not very daring in nature...but real entertainer... it seemed as if he was blessed..with the power to make people to smile... He and Pranshu both were my guide in love..though they never had a girlfriend themselves.. still I used to consult them..They both uplifted my spirits whenever I lost confidence..("A true friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself.") Really they are true friends...

Ya I did...consulted but the moves were mine though edited by them...

I was supposed to be HER friend first before proposing her (according to the plan)...arrey yaar.. This was their(Ansh & Pranshu)'s holy idea...and even I wanted to know her first..

But she shifted to some place near her school...and now I was supposed to contact her for being friends...

Good Day and Bad happenings..both together..

Aahh today once again.... I woke up late..though last week I was on schedule but today...don't know why...I did woke up at 6:30am but...mind you....there is a big but..I went to sleep again...Later when I woke up.. I saw time in my cellphone...it was 9:30am..."okay its only 9:30am" that's what I thought.. and suddenly the thought transformed into "Holy Cow, it's 9:30 AM" and the only word that can come out was a BIG F**K...

Ya... My classes starts at 9:30am in college... and see I woke up so late... So what..I decided I'll attend 4 lectures from 11:30am onwards....its the matter of attendance yaar.... what else I can acquire in college...???

So I reached college at 11:30am...Krishan was also late like me.. lol..someone to support..

In the 5th lecture...i.e Lecture of Marketing Management by Mrs. N. Garg.. I was thrown out of the class... I was chatting with friends as always...

So I scored 3 attendance today... got to know that classes will be till 5pm from today...but we escaped it today...since we all left college at 3:30pm...

Still had a nice day...with nice weather.... even raining outside right now... Cold is back with a bang I hope...

Take care friends... Prevention is better than cure... Play safe...

Its Time...Join hands and Save Tigers..

1411, yes! Just 1411 Tigers are left in India....
The tiger population of the Indian subcontinent has suffered a serious decline in the last 50 years. It is estimated that only 200 tigers survived in Nepal, and only 4,000 in India, up from 2,000 in the 1970s. In the 1990s, poaching has escalated in China and Korea, in spite of the Chinese ban on tiger products in 1993. At one point in the 1970s, tigers' numbers had dropped to 4,000 compared to 100,000 in the early 1900s. Today, the world tiger population still only numbers about 5,000 to 7,000 animals. An intense effort is under way to save the endangered tigers. Unfortunately, tigers are still illegally hunted for their fur, bones and other parts to supply markets in China and Taiwan. Tigers have been hunted to near extinction by poachers, and all subspecies have been declared endangered.
The main predator of the tiger is humankind. They have been trapped, poisoned and hunted heavily by humans not only to eliminate threats to livestock, but also for sport, trophies, skins, and sources of traditional medical products. Superstition has surrounded tigers for centuries; their body parts are used in Asian medicines. Necklets of tiger claws are thought to protect a child from "the evil eye"; tiger whiskers are considered either a dreadful poison (in Malaysia), a powerful aphrodisiac (in Indonesia), or an aid to childbirth (in India and Pakistan); the bones, fat, liver and penis of a tiger are prized as medicines.


Just spread the word...blog,share,mail,msg anyhow...its time..join hands and save Tigers...they are our pride... We must save them...

For more info visit these sites... http://www.wwfindia.org/about_wwf/what_we_do/tiger_wildlife/how_save_tiger/
http://www.indiantiger.org/
http://saveourtigers.com/

Living life on Edge...

Heya friends...

Hows it going on your side?? Hope you to be fine and enjoying life with daily work atleast not getting fuked up in the life as I'm being done since taking admission in Tecnia... The only thing I did since joining this Bloody Institute is to repent... repent every now and then.. repent taking admission... repent living life in Tecnia somedays... I really swear to God.. If I wouldn't have got good friends in Tecnia..then i would have surely left... I lost my enthusiasm.. my confidence... 7 months of my life... all in vain till yet... I'm same as I was when I graduated from University of Delhi. I still don't have any idea about management... I don't know what am I doing here!! Why the hell am I here?? Feel like total looser...Crap man...

I'm on the edge..or say i'm at a diversion...confused in choosing the path to move on..whether to remain in Tecnia..fuck myself everyday & for the whole life with mental torture or to leave this shitty place and start all over again.

Puneet bhaiya advised me not to leave. He said,"Leaving or quitting is very easy"... But I'm going to start all over again after quitting Tecnia... Maybe I'm a manager now.. Have to take a decision that will decide my life, my destiny, and my family's happiness for which I'm most concerned. What to do and what not to do..is the confusion...I've time till 20th of Feb 2009... The clock is ticking.. Its never stopping just reminding me to decide.. I wish I could be blessed with the power to view my 1st semester results and see that I failed or passed in QM. 

Sometimes life really sucks...

February 1st...2.15pm, Madhuban Chowk traffic Signal....

Hey guys...

Hope everything's going well on your side. It was all well with me too till I saw a kid selling balloon at the Madhuban chowk traffic signal. The way he looked and spoke forced me to think.

Everything is alright for us since we are blessed. Yes, blessed with something which many children around us  are not blessed with. That is "Good Living Standards".

What we don't have we complain for it but some complain for those things what we have like education, healthy diet, clean clothes, sometimes even parents who care... Yes this is paradox...

take a short look...type "kids India" on google images. What you'll see is something like this.

Both the sides what we can see in nothing new to us. Its everyday we see street kids begging or selling balloons or some or the other items on traffic lights. Whats their future? Whats their destiny? Isn't God partial this time or he's just doing his balancing or equilibrium thing?

I think blaming God is not fair. Since he doesn't seems to be the one who wrote their destiny. Maybe we are the instruments he wants to help them. I guess this is perfect. Yes we can. Guys I'm not gonna ask you to start donating your money to the beggars. Because that'll only motivate them to beg more. So the question arises what should we do?? We don't have enough money nor do we have time to devote, then what to do??

Curves in the path in past...First Love

Change of home is been told to you before, now what happened in my life is what I feel I'm destined to. Things changed quickly sometimes gradually too leaving a some thoughts behind.

I met Pranshu in Gyanodaya Bus Service. He became my first best friend in life. He's younger than me by a year or two. I don't know why wherever I lived in my childhood there were no peer group of mine in the locality. Always there were boys elder to me and so I loved school where I had peer group. Pranshu was the first schoolmate whom I met in the Bus. We still are in touch though in different states.

It was 7th July 1998. I stepped into a bus to go to school. As I told you I met Pranshu but I saw someone elso too that day. Yes I saw HER with her friend. She was too sweet and I admired her from that day itself.

Later I found out she's my batchmate in other school [girl's school instead]. (since mine was only for boy's)

I used to hide while stole a look of her.

Life at Tecnia...

Its present day scenario my friends. I study in Tecnia that you all know. I've 58 classmates. All are like family members.(Though there are 4-5 exception). In the family of 59 members there is love, tragedy, greed, confusions, swindling and all other types of emotion and commotion like their is in a daily TV soap.

People are with different outlooks toward life, time, future, carrier etc. Its good to be their until a teacher comes in spoils the scene.

Whatever we are doing in the college, no one seems satisfied. Sometimes by teachers pedagogy, behaviour, management etc.

Criticism is on heights. No one dares to take step against unjust acts. If someone tries to then he/she is crushed under the fine bolder.

This post is dedicated to all my college friends in Tecnia. Friends we are surviving and we will swim out this puddle successfully.

We face so many problems there from education to sanitation, from attitude to altitude, from empty mind to empty stomach but there is a hope. Hope that will keep us alive and work.

Cheer up guys...sit back and prepare for internals....they are from 15th February...

Green Business Solution.....

Hello friends,
Today at my institute Tecnia Institute of Advance Studies(where god knows why am I pursuing MBA) was the beginning of the Two Day International Conference on "Green Business Solutions". There were many dignitaries who came up to show us the way they were using Green Technology in their business and the importance plus the increasing need of adoption of these technologies every minute. We were also made aware of the future scenario of corporate world where we will be doing pollution accounting also. We were exhausted till the end but it was worth it...
As we all know that Environment situations now have lead to be the hottest debate topic. We have witnessed "The Copenhagen Summit 2009" of the UN. Well we are also aware that there was no significant decisions made due to clashes of economic benefits among developed and developing countries.
Today a small story was told to us by the representative of ITC Group of Hotels. I'll just narrate it to you.
One day a girl was walking by the shore of the sea. She was picking up starfishes from the shores and throwing them back to the water. There were thousands of starfishes lying and dying on the shore. An old man smiled and asked her, "Sweet girl, what are u trying to do?", the girl replied,"I'm trying to save the starfishes", the man said,"but there are thousands of starfishes lying on the shores, what difference does it makes". At this the girl smiled and picked up a starfish and threw it in water and said,"THIS"....
So the morale from this story was that first the efforts should be on individual levels first. Everyone of us should take there own initiatives as we can. I'm not asking anyone to donate or invest. What I'm asking you is to just put efforts. Thats it. Saving water won't cost us rather will increase our pocket size. Same is with electricity, petrol/diesel etc. Many Many small efforts will lead to a great change.
This time change is not an option friends its the need of the hour... I'm not a big environmentalist but since I realise the need I thought to help you too recall the need too...
GO GREEN!!!

past... Shifting to our Home (June 1998)

I was in class 5th at that time. We shifted to our new home. Earlier we used to live in the campus of the hospital where my mom works. Summer vacations were going to end in a month time. We shifted on 3rd of June 1998 in our new house (after religious ceremony called "Griha Pravesh"). Our new house is a big one. We (me and my sis) had lots of space to play now. We kids were among the happiest one and parents were relaxed to own a bigger house to live in, at the location they always wanted. The area is almost secluded from colony, very near to the bank of holy river Ganga (infact there is just a landmass between my house and river Ganga, I'll get pics after I again get to visit my house). 

My classes in B.H.S were going to commence from 7th July after vacations as it did every year.

I can say that my destiny has took a turn as I shifted to this new home. I was destined to shift in that new part of Allahabad, this is what I feel after carefully analysing my past. Since that new area called as Jhunsi is in the outskirts (compared it to yamunapar area of Delhi as it was gangapar in Allahabad) and was at a distance of 10 km from my school. I now needed a bus service to go to school and my Dad found one out known as "Gyanodaya Bus Service" owned by Mishra uncle. You must be thinking like Why The Hell am I telling you about the need of bus service...or why am I so specific about everything ....even I don't want to be.. but what to do...I just don't want any ambiguities when I'll be telling you about the turn that my destiny took. (refer to destiny in one of the past posts) 

Yes a love story. Love story at the age of 11, when love meant two kids just sitting and chatting about eachothers toys etc for me...

Hehehehe  Guys what happened.... there is no love story in this post..

Missing my School (Boys' High School)

Logo: Boys' High School & College

My most memorable part of my life. The 12 years I spent in Boys' High School. I should accept this fact. While in school days I never thought that I'll miss my school life so much. While in school we used to wish the school days to get over as soon as possible and get to further studies and be free of wearing school uniform, enjoy life without rules etc. but now I realise and just smile recalling my days in school.

Really those are memories to be cherished for the lifetime indeed.

Whatever I have accomplished till yet, the major reason behind is my school. I miss you B.H.S and the moments spent there with my friends.

My school friends with whom I had a great time were many but some were really close and I'll try to be in touch with them as long as possible. Now we are in different cities but still we sometime call each other and just miss those days.

My city...Allahabad..(some pics)

New Yamuna BridgeAllahabad UniversityDip in Holy Sangam

Khusru Bagh

Sangam (See the difference in water colour)

Allahabad Fort

Central Cathedral

Past ...recalling the year 1994...

(Year 1994)

Hello...

Yes I'm here with the journey of my life. Last time I told you that due to loads of love of teachers and my naughtiness I was transferred to a new school to study nursery again. It was Bishop George School. I studied there till K.G. I would like to share an experience of this school that'll tell something more about me to you.

In this school I had a senior named Anil Kumar Singh. He is the son of my mom's colleague Mrs Geeta.

One day Geeta auntie gave me Anil bhaiya's lunch box while I was on my way to school.. I obediently took it and searched for Anil bhaiya in lunch time to give him the lunch box. When I did't found him I thought to check out what's there in his lunch box and I found Suji Halwa in it.....

Then what I didn't looked for him anymore and started feasting on his lunch box. I love Halwa.. Couldn't resist naa....

I returned home with my lunch box full and his one empty. Obviously I got scolded by mom for this act but that sweet halwa didn't let me bother about that...lols

After completing KG in Bishop George School I qualified for Boys' High School, one of the most reputed schools of Allahabad (for Class 1 admission). Here also Anil Singh was a year senior to me but no such incidents happened again.

There were two reasons I was shifted to this school.

First, this school was till 12th (at that time Bishop George School was till 8th only) so I'll be studying there for next 12 years without changing schools anymore.

Secondly, there were no girls students in B.H.S. Yes it was not Co-ed.

The second reason was applicable because once when I was 2 and a half years old, a part time astrologer who worked in same hospital told mom that my marriage will be a love marriage with an intercaste girl. My parents were shocked. They didn't want this to happen so they separated me from girls in school. They were fighting against destiny since they believed I was destined to have love marriage, (when they believed so firmly then why were they working against my destiny??) quite an orthodox parents I have (remember the year it was 1994)(they are quite flexible with me but not on marriage issue I think).

Now what happened next?? Was I deviated from my destiny or did I followed it??
Answer you'll get when the time comes...
Keep visiting... and take care its cold outside..